So yesterday i was supposed to go snowboarding with the family, but I really didnt wanna go and well we got stuck in like 3 hours of traffic just trying to get UP the mountain (tells you its already crazy crowded) then when we get up there no rentals available, and out of lift tickets. real nice eh?
so we just decided to stop by hte side of the road along the mountain and play in the snow haha
and after that we went to Cabazon outlets where i got new shoes and socks cause i didnt have boots for snow so i wore my regular shoes and they got all messed up and super soaked >< wellyeah i also bought 3 shirts at pacsun and $5 shorts at columbia. yeah it was kinda bleh cause i didnt even wanna go and once we get there everythings all asldfjasl

man i miss her... :/

You don't know what it's like to be next to you
There's nothing I can do or say to change anything
but then again no one cares or would care anyway you know?
It'd probably be seen as me being selfish
as always right?

yeah..

idk theres not much that could happen to stop me from feeling this way
you know?

gobble gobble ribbit ribbit
gobble gobble gobble?
gobble gobble... sigh gobble gobble :/

LOL bet no one can translate that
omg ew i just like drooleed on myself LOL
so like today i went to the ORIGINAL pancake house
i got '49er flapjacks, they were like thin but sooo goooddd like omg
hahahah so sweet
anwyays gobble gobble !!
new years is coming up haha idunno if im doing anythnig as long as its not with family though
and im going to mountain high tomrrow too, frankly not looking forward to it much haha
id rather just go with friends n stuff not with family but yeah... im hoping they wont make me go hahah

gobble gobble wobble wobble!! :]
gobble gobble gobble gobbble <3 (i love you cutie )

I watch the patchwork farm's
slow fade into the ocean's arms
and from here they cant see me stare
the stale taste of recycled air
I watch the patchwork farm's
slow fade into the ocean's arms
Calm down and release your cares
the stale taste of recycled air.

each day that passes idk
i just cant help but feel...
like idk alone and seperated from everything adn everyone.

aseljsdjfasjfoiw
that really hurts...
feel like completely worthless now....

i thought winter break would get better as it went on.

asdlfaslfk

like what the heck happened to have all these things going on?

yesterday went to korean bbq again with some people haha
then went to jrs to play rock band 2 and watchd pineapple express (which was funnier this time )
but yeah overall it was just alright haha nothing special there cept me ryan and paulo started
doing this dogfight thing (airplanes not real dogs) and that was prettyfunny xD
yeah ehheh


on another thought:
really what the hell am i supposed to do...
and to be honest i hate this feeling.

welll hahaha thanks sooo much for the ukulele :]
i seriosly like cant put it down heheh :D
thank thank thank youuu :]

well yeah Merry Christmas :]

its xmas and im at home heh. doing what?
nothing.

this break is feeling really.. bland... its break... and things still seem so routine..
and still theres all these things going on in my mind.
things i want to let go of, but i find always come back in my head.
i dont know...

it feels like winter breaks gone on for at least like a week now ><
idk a lot of the time seems to pass quite slowly heeh
there's not really much to do here i guess, maybe thats why? but then again i dont really want to go anywhere else but stay here; and cause i wake up so darn early -___-
man idk, im not sure i feel that much relaxed haha xD

oso tomrrow is gna rain xD again
heheh so today i went to south coast and i actually bought stuff! beachworks has lots more stuff there xD
I got 2 shirts and 2 jackest :] heehh ifnally right? but still no boxers xD
i miss her :[ seeing saks fifth n stuff actually reminded me of her too cause she likes it xD
heheh didnt find too much stuff though >< jsut lotsa random stuff scattered between stores
and american eagle doesnt have my slim straight jeans anymore -__- so yeah i needa go look for others heheh.
got another morning to wake up for tomrrow heh xD

man... 2 weeks :[
im really gonna miss her...
at least today was pretty cool heh
disney movies xD gingerbread house and heart shaped pizzas heehh
was pretty funny :] today was fun heheh
asdfajf i keep thinking about how i wont see her for 2 weeks ><
it makes me miss her like asdasldfj sooo much and she hasnt even left yet! :[
gah

before my internet dies...

well yeah before it dies again, i decidd to make a post
todaaayy was freaking craazy ahhaah i FREAKING FORGOT MY UMBRELLLA INTHE CAR
and then i stood outside at the cow stop for like 15-20 minutes in the rain! but i still didnt get as wet as on monday O_o
heheh mall was pretty fun :] got to spend some time with her on a wednesday! that doesnt happen to often !
maaan still got hw left though ><
even though it was freezing on the way home, it still felt good walking home. it was like an adventure! then once i got home i felt accomplisheed LOL

well everyones home so now my internet is all messed up and patchy xD
i needa buy presents loooll and i finally have moeny to do so heheh finally right? seriously
anyways i think big rain tomrrow so big umbrella! ella ela ay ay ay omg im solame lame lame.
HHAAHAH
omg anyways. i kinda wish it snowed here heh .
i needa do all my apush before thursday! asdlfadsfj gna be hard but i think i can do it!
push push!
i feel so random right now LOL
i think img etting me singing back as well :]

am i no good to you now?
am i no good to you now?

whoaa oh whoaaa ohh ohh
we're spillin over
whooaa oh whooaa oh ohh
we're falling apart

Matt Nathanson - Falling Apart

damn. my brothers home for just two weeks. cant he just take in the trashcans n stuff?
ive got this freaking cough. agh.
the cold makes everything feel... idk

So like i can hear my brother totally pigging out right now at 11:30 wtf right?
LOL its like that everyday for him cause he sleeps when i have to wake up for school. 4 -__-
last night he came to my room at 4:30 cause my light was still on and woke me up.
seroiusly i dont get what hes doing till 4 LOL

my self esteem has i feel, just plummeted recently.
confidence? idk

i really really hate how theres like NO effing bloodyass service in my freaking house.
freaking annoys the crap outta me and always messes things up. asdlfsadj

i feel like sucha fcking complete jackass idiot
im a horrible horrible person. i know.
asldfadjfalkdfalks

asdlfdf
i still hate myself..
even more now.

seroiusly wtf is going on with me.

...and so now
what is it i have to live for?
There's nothing. My life is emptied.
im a worthless piece of crap.
I deserve to be thrown out on the streets.
I deserve not to live.
I dont do any good for anyone or for myself.
I'm a horrible person.


One thing: I'm still here, after all the stuff that I've had to go through just to be with you.... I'm still here...

Please.

Kill me.

How'd it go from afternoon, to this.

Punch me I'd bleed...

aujord'hui est jour de APUSH
je n'ai pas commence screw thsi it takes too long
i didnt start yet -__-
LOL
anyways today ap psych lasted SOOOO EFFING LONG cause we had a sub and no lesson plan.
the sub even showed me the lesson plan and it had NO directoins on it -__- and i didnt bring any hw!!! well i did tomrrows math heh
sooo we got our white van back LOL its nice to see it back on the driveway xD
yay tomrrows friday! and i have no sat testing cuase i did it on thursday!!! im so smart hehe :]

City & Colour - Like Knives

"and I will blame myself
If holding on to what I hope will keep you by my side
Could I have you?
Can I have you?

i am a useless boyfriend...

and even just as a person.
like nothing would change if i wasnt here...

*edit

i dont know whats going on anymore...

do i really want to start....

ehhe today HOLY CRAP OMG 100 QUESTIO US TEST WTF RIGHT?
yea LOL i think i totalyl bombed that.
well after schooool i went to tc with clara and yearbook peoples
SO RANDOM LOl OMG
ARE THEY EATING FOOD? GO GO
LOLL
and then after i spent a little time with her :]
omg that phone call i felt sooo bad ><
she had to pee like OMG IM GNA JUST LET IT OUT pee.
ive felt it before ITS ONE OF THE MOST HORRIBLE FEELINGS
NOT EVEN ENDORPHINS CAN COUNTER IT OMG.
im glad shes okay and didnt give up or pass out though :D
heheh shes strong !

everything just fucking piles up on me.
and now im getting torn apart by the closest people to me.
so maybe i should keep distances.
but is that even in me?
probably not.

asldjfasdf
im just gonna shut my mouth


------------------------

and on another note:
as im awtching these military videos i notice:
where does all this terrorist shit come from?
not to be racist or anything, but from the middle eastern part fo the world
dumping their problems onto other countries.

well today started out really freaking great.

soooooooooooooooooooo
morning went by pretty sloowly i just sat there heheh

but then disneyland!!!
omgosh itw as funnn :]
so so we rode buzz lightyear first and now i REALLY dont get how people get over 50,000 score -__- its like impossible
heheh then space mountain, indiana jones, and autopia. a few rides but it was still really fun :D
HAHA babe needed to pee LOL
anyways
that was like the best fireworks show ive been in ever. lotsa fireworks and explosions! WAY better than july 4th. and then the snooowowww it was really cool and a really good idea from the people of disneyland :]
it got like all over my hair and hers LOL it was really awesome :]

today was really fun and i think it was pretty magical :D
definitely happy :]

i love you baby!

more of these days to come !

lalala

truly,
im so confused...

not knowing.

By this time I've erased four posts in trying to create one final one for today.
Here goes:
In AP Psych today, I learned taht through a test I am in between.
One side, (internal) thinks that all stress and factors and thigns that happen are on yourself.
Other (external), thinks taht all those things are due to uncontrollable forces, outside of our reach (fate, destiny) These people are generally more careless because they dont think there is much they can do to change things. I appear to be one of them, which is why I dont really feel scared for tests and homework and things that happen. Tahts the bad side of me. I expect. I have my standards set too low.
But when I look at everything thats happened in my life, I can't really say much was due to things that were completely out of my control, people really do hold over their own happenings, events, fortunes or misfortunes.
No more running away, no easy way outs. I will never stoop down to his level.

To be honest, I'm not a hard person to figure out, and for me that's bad.

ive noticed how fast, how frequently, and how mch my mood can fluctuate within a day, a week.
and i look to see why, and i guess it is me in a way, but then again not completely...
ugh right?